PEANUTS OF THE PAST:
PREVIOUS COMMENTS FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY!

Today's Poem comes courtesy of Rachel Dunbar Moss.
Comments from the poet(s):
"Thank you for holding my poem for critiquing. Yes I would like to
add some commentary to this poem. This poem is about my husband that
passed away about eight years ago, and the night I was writing this
it felt like I could feel him calling me to come to him and hold him
once again. It really seem as though I could smell him and I wished
to touch his face. This writing is very special to me as many of my
other poems. When I write any poem or short story I really do not
know what type of writing it is I write from the heart and whatever
God gives me to write. I am inspired my the Lord and sometimes I sit
at my computer without a clue and not realizing what I am writing
when I am finished sometimes I am surprise. I look forward to hearing
from the group soon. Thanks!"

This week's poem:Shall I Go
Author: Rachel Dunbar Moss
Copyright notice: copywritten 1997
Poets Niche Group #6

Shall I Go

The moon glows upon your magical face
A whisper you share to call your precious
a near, do I go to the call of your fate
to see the magical face of near.
The smell so, so close I know, if I capture the
taste of it and keep a hankie just to hold, to feel
the magic of your presence of near I know. The touch
I long to keep, to deep away to really hold
The tears within I hold for your touch that
was once so bold. I see your magical face
I hold thou shall I go to your place
of magic that glow.

Rachel Dunbar Moss

Here were some of the comments received from the Peanut Gallery:

Submitted by: bams
Commentary: Up until the submission I received this week from another poet (scheduled for discussion a few weeks down the road), Shawn Goins' piece from the MotWRC #3, and Rachel's poem today, were the only ones that the poets themselves have sent in for critiquing; all the others were poems I read and wanted to personally submit for Peanut Gallery discussion. And to be perfectly honest (and, hopefully, constructive), I hesitated to respond to Rachel when she sent it because my initial reaction was that I didn't like the poem. It was a difficult read; I had trouble parsing the piece, because it didn't really make sense, linguistically. As a writer that often uses the vernacular, I tried to make allowances for this when I read it again, but it didn't seem to me like the poem was written in "Black English" (I abhor the term "Ebonics". But that's Another Rant For Another Time). There were a few problematic lines; for example: "A whisper you share to call your precious a near, do I go to the call of your fate to see the magical face of near." I found myself wondering what "a near" could mean; unlike poems where the writer's unorthodox use of language enthralled me, in this case, I was stuck on this wording just not being...right, somehow. Two other similar passages (especially "I see your magical face/I hold/thou shall I go to your place/of magic that glow.") led me to the conclusion, after a second read-through, that the words weren't used with poetic license; they were either mispelled accidentally, or the writer didn't choose the words carefully. While this is no "crime"--we all have lapses like that (especially after a longhard day at work!)--it did distract from what could've been a nice poem, in my view. The technical "glitches" got in the way of some of the other beautiful phrases ("...The touch/I long to keep, to[o] deep away to really hold"), and I reluctantly decided that I didn't "reach" this poem. But, something happened to change my view: Rachel followed-up her original poem by sending me her comments on the origin of the piece. Those comments made all the difference in the world to me. If you didn't read them, she basically explained that the poem was about her husband; he had passed away some years ago, but she still felt his presence--and that felt-presence was what was being described in the poem. With that, the deeper meaning of the poem fell into place for me. I saw that as "good" and "bad"; "bad", because in the Real World, the author rarely has the luxury of providing context before-the-fact that would help the reader to understand the writing. And "good", because in *this* place (the Poets Niche's version of reality!), for *this* purpose (the Peanut Gallery/MotWRC), Rachel's filling in the background "turned on the switch" of understanding, for me at least. Overall, the meaning behind the poem was sad and sweet; I appreciated learning what it was about, even while feeling sympathy for--and fear of--the specific situation. If the word usage was unintentionally "bad", careful editing would help to make this poem more enjoyable to the reader. If, on the other hand, the verbiage was meant expressly as written, then as Burlinda Radney once said about Toni Morrison's sometimes difficult to understand (but ultimately *DEEP*) writing, "...history will 'mention,' jesse. but, it'll be 'quoting' toni morrison...". I can diggit.

Submitted by: Suli
comment: I have to say, I have no experience as profound as the author has had as a husband passing on. I would though, like to offer my opinion about this work. I was touched by the image "The moon glows upon your magical face, A whisper you share to call your precious a near". . .It reminds me of times when you experience a smell, taste or sight that transports you to a place and time of deep emotion. It is as intense and real as if you were reliving it all over again. The intensity of the emotions causes a yearning and calls the questions of what is the real desire and what will be done to gain the desire. She feels her mate there with her and is moved but unable to touch and hold and have him again. Is the desire strong enough to consciously met him through death or wait until the intensity passes. I had to read the last line a couple of times, the "thou shall I go" confused me a bit. This is my opinion. Thanks for sharing!

Submitted by: Chris Hare
comment: Poetry, in my mind, should immediately draw a picture or take the mind, soul, and/or heart to a different place or on a journey. If it doesn't, it tends to loose some beginner poetry admirers. That's why it is hard for me to get through some of the poems. It took me three passings through "Shall I Go" to get a meaning out of it. I was never a Shakespeare fan. Though I read some of his works. Shall I Go made me think of Shakespearean writing where the subject came after the action. It gets somewhat confusing. But after I arrived at "my" understanding of "Shall I Go" it took my mind to a grave site or a ledge. The grief that was felt in the poem drove her to thoughts of suicide, or to find the strength to carry on and just visit the grave site. From my perspective, a powerful poem of grief stricken turmoil.

Submitted by: Paul Thomas Burton
comment: Rachel, It appears that you have some degree of talent for the art of writing. Even so, I find that this particular piece leaves the reader wondering as to whom you speak. At times it appears to be a lover, and yet at others it may be a small infant. (Not that some lovers are not emotionally infants.) All in all, I find you work very pleasing and inspiring, I congratulate you on your courage to place something so near to your heart in such an open forum. Remember my name and please comment on any pieces that I will submit. If you wish to contact me and discuss this piece or any of your others (or even my work) I am on Yahoo as ptb777. Have a wonderful day and God bless.

Submitted by: Ajani Kush
comment: I feel the depth of emotion in this piece, however I'm having some of "grammatical" challenges. I'm just not sure what " I hold thou shall I go to your place of magic that glow." means. I love the line "The tears I hold for your touch that was once so bold", it fills me with the image of a very strong and passionate man. Overall, I think it was well expressed

Submitted by: Dori
comment: I didn't get it at first until I read it a couple of times but I really like it now that it has sunk in that it is a search for yourself.